Getting Older

There is something about being in your thirties that people of all other age groups don't connect with.  When you're mid thirties, you are young enough to remember being young whilst not being old enough to realise that you are out of the young person loop.  It is a very humiliating age, an age where you are not young, not middle aged and not old.  Us thirtysomethings make fools out of ourselves with the opposite sex, embarrass our children and experiment with fashion.  Unfortunately I tend to do all three!

I recently went on a lads night out.  This was agreed by the aforementioned lads to be a vodka soaked, beer swigging, breast fondling, police evading monster of a night where we would act like savages and quench our thirst for the old days.  Now to any of the age groups I mentioned earlier(and that is basically every age group other than our own), this would have been the saddest, most pathetic bunch of middle class, nearly middle aged manboys on the face of this rock.  We, however, knew we were insanely attractive to the opposite sex and terrifying to potential love rivals!

Towards the end of the night, I experienced a life changing moment - a moment I wanted to put into verse.




It's good to arrive, now im thirty five,
At places of lust, cologne is a must.
A flick of the brow, I point to the ceiling
A deafening crack and I lose all feeling.

To bury my shame, to prove I'm not lame,
I crawl to the bar, it's just so damn far.
A climb on a stool, I order a beer,
My audience laughs and give out a cheer.

A drink drank with haste, a horrible taste,
I look like a lout, I might just pass out.
The time is upon me, the exit is clear,
But maybe there's time for just one more beer.

My brain is now lazy, my eyes seem so hazy,
When out of the night, appears such a sight.
A sexy young woman, gives me the eye,
My luck may be changing, I straighten my tie.

A furtive side glance, I'm now in a trance,
I shuffle close by and give it a try.
She takes just one look, moves where she sits,
"I'm sorry old man, I don't like your tits!"