Man Flu

Well it's been a few days since my last post and that's because I've been struck down by flu.  When I say flu I don't just mean a nasty cold, I mean head banging, blood chilling, death defying flu!  The type of flu where every time you move your arm, your head hurts.  The type of flu where every time you cough, you try not to shit yourself.  The type of flu where your legs wobble as you walk to the bathroom.  I believe the medical term for this affliction is 'man-flu.'

I began feeling ill on new years eve and decided to spend the whole day in bed.  Now I think this may have been my first mistake.  Lying under a very thick duvet in a heated 21st century home may not be the best cure for the onset of influenza.  I immediately informed my partner that I should be checked on at one hour intervals during the day and every visit should include the arrival of a drink.  Alternate cold and hot drinks to be precise as I'm not sure which is advisable for my man flu.  Children are banned from the bedroom as my box set of Dallas: The Complete First & Second Seasons is watched in it's 24 hour entirity.

I have a dazzling array of medication at my bedside which includes many different type of throat lozenge and painkiller.  Painkillers for my throat and for my generalised aches and my ears and my head.  It's now New Years Day or what I like to call my birthday.  My man flu induced fever is now.....at fever pitch and I'm beginning to forget when I took my last round of meds!  When did I have my last Ibuprofen?  When did I take my last course of Paracetamol?  Can I mix throat lozenges with painkillers?  What is the thick red stuff in the bottle my wife gave me yesterday?  My head is spinning with thoughts of overdoses and a New Year's Eve party I couldn't go to.

Having man flu allows you, legally, to have your partner bring you soup on a tray.  I don't know why flus and colds require a daily dosage of soup but it's usually the only time I ever eat soup - or do you drink soup?  Anyway, I await my medicinal soup with anticipation as by the 2nd of January it is the highlight of my day.   Red Pepper and Cheddar....yum, although my man flu precludes me from tasting it!  I know it is doing me good however as soup is always good for man flu!

I argue with my partner during day three of my affliction as she takes exception to me flooding the bed with my perspiration.  It's ok for her.  She'll never experience the agony and torment of man flu and is oblivious to my suffering.  To assuage her guilt, different varieties of soup are offered and accepted.  Brocolli and Stilton no less!  My soup diet will probably have some strange colonic effects in the coming days I'm sure!  My sleep is now severely affected as when my sore throat subsides, I feel the pain in my ears more.  When the pain in my ears subside, I feel the bulging weight of my sinuses more.  More soup, my dear, more soup!

Day four and I venture into the family living space for the first time.  Kids still off school and still interested in Christmas presents combine to make a very noisy living room.  This noice is amplified by the pain in my head, ears, throat and sinuses and my visit to the family space is short lived.  It's back to the bedroom for more soup and  Two and a Half Men: The Complete First Season boxset.

How lucky all you women are that you will never experience the horrors of man flu.  I sit here writing this post with the remnants of severe throat, ear, head and sinus pain reminding me that I should definitely be off work again tomorrow!  Ha, I scoff at you ladies with your period pains and your child birth.  You girls don't know how lucky you are!