Copywriter for Hire!

I have recently fallen in love with writing again. I trained as a journalist fifteen years ago and, in recent years, I had forgotten the thrill of telling someone something they don't know. The excitement of making someone laugh with something you've written is something you never tire of. I recently started working for myself as a copywriter and I'm loving every minute of working from home. Don't get me wrong, my dream is to write the bestseller I have in me, but copywriting is a way to get me in the groove again whilst I’m paying the bills.  I use my talents to write for cash until I finish my book and make my first million!

I recently launched a website and started the long and boring job of promoting it! The thing is, writing articles and promoting them are two very different things. A lot of my work is for websites who want to make the top of search engine results pages. Whilst I love the writing part and the chance to practice my art, I hate the laborious nature of back-linking, book-marking and never-ending article rewrites that go with the territory.  I must be doing well, however, as I’ve just taken on my first writer to help me!  Writing for a living is such hard work.  Initially, I got into journalism because I loved creative writing at school. I would write elaborate and detailed short stories from a very young age, gaining something of a reputation for my descriptive skills and my ability to create larger than life characters. 

For me, journalism was simply a way to earn a crust while I worked on my novel. Unfortunately, journalism bored me and I ended up managing restaurants for a living. The fifteen years of toil and stress in the service industry have served me well and given me self-discipline - a facet that is essential for any successful copywriter.
The vast majority of copywriters will resent the work they do as so much of it seems beneath their capabilities. They are like me, writing bland and uninteresting copy on computer programs, knee injuries or the sport of ping pong - yawn! So many copywriters get impatient and frustrated and let their emotions infiltrate their copy - this is a bad mistake. 

Let's get one thing straight - writing for websites is a completely different art-form and requires huge restraint. My clients want very simple language with text only ever in the third person. They want a keyword density percentage of between 2% and 5% without the text sounding contrived and sales orientated. Many clients want 500 words for a dollar! The funny thing is… I'm getting bored just writing about it! However, it's my bread and butter and I put my all into it; even the 100 word comments I post for clients!
The real truth is that copywriting for websites is a hugely competitive market. For new writers, with little or no experience no references, the only way of getting work is by under-cutting the competition.  New writers then get fed-up and quit before any real reputation has been acquired.  Copywriting is badly paid and different to any other form of writing. Get to grips with that and there may just be a chance of success.

Viva Las Vegas

Las Vegas is the true 'City That Never Sleeps.'  I'm currently saving my earnings from writing to pay for my next Vegas extravaganza!  Stuck in the middle of the Mojave desert in Nevada, 'Sin City' is an orgy of light, colour, sex, money, glamour and  desperation. For those of you who haven't been to Vegas, you may think it's all swanky casinos, big wins and free drinks - but this is far from the truth. This is a city that has experienced many difficulties in recent years and has by no means been immune to the global financial crisis. You will likely see beggers, prostitutes, destitutes and crime on almost every venture out on to the strip - but it is a city that is true diacotomy of the western world.

I, for one, love Las Vegas. I love the desperation; I love the extremes of super wealth and third-world poverty; I love the excitement of the casinos at 4am; I love the fact that you lose all track on reality after just a few short days there. Vegas can be several different vacations all in one and offers something for families, stags, hens, the rich, the poor and everything in between. This post contains a few tips, quips and opinions on what I believe to be the greatest city on earth.

A Place to Rest Your Weary Head

Nowhere on earth will you find hotels of the same quality as The Venetian and Paris, Las Vegas at such affordable prices.  I found that, if booked far enough in advance, these hotels can cost as little as $50 per night.  Now, given that the standard room in America includes two king size beds, this is fantastic value.  But it gets better!  I went with my brother a couple of years ago and we hadn't booked anywhere.  Now, this is not advisable as visa waiver regulations in the US dictate that you must have somewhere to stay before you arrive.  We provisionally booked into the Venetian and then cancelled a week or so before we travelled.  We kept the emailed confirmation - just in case we were asked for it.  On arrival, we hopped into a taxi and made our way to the Imperial Palace.  Now this is, by Vegas standards, a drab and dated hotel which has been dwarfed by new-builds on the strip over the years.  However, the rooms are clean and we weren't planning on spending much time in our room anyway!  

We went straight to registration and asked for the cheapest room.  We were there for eleven nights and were charged $320!!!  That's $160 each - and for the mathematically challenged of you out there - around $15 per night!!!  This hotel is right in the middle of the strip, within walking distance of all the other major hotels and has its own tram stop!  All the major hotels on the strip - including their facilities and attractions - are open to the public so staying in Vegas doesn't have tot break the bank!

Food, Glorious Food

Now, eating out can be potentially expensive. When my brother and I went, we decided we would go to a nice restaurant on three of the nights and survive on fast food at all other times! This will obviously depend on personal finances, however. The major hotels have several eating establishments under one roof. This can be exciting as you can 'window shop' up to twenty restaurants in a hotel before you decide where to dine. All of the major hotels also offer a buffet where 'all you can eat' is the order of the day. We lived on sub sandwiches and McDonalds; however, there were a couple of days when we ate only once! This isn't as traumatic as it sounds as the buffets provide an opportunity to consume your daily calorie allowance all at once!

A great piece of advice would be to pick up as many tourist guides as possible from hotel foyers and shops. They always contain discount vouchers which, in some cases, offer free food!

Casinos and Shows

Casinos in Vegas are the land that time forgot! If you are actively gambling, complimentary drinks are available from the hostesses that continually prowl the casino floors - remember to tip, though; around a dollar per drink is acceptable. You don't have to be gambling thousands at craps to get a drink however! My brother and I would sit at the video poker bars, playing 25c games whilst receiving our complimentary drinks. Be wary though as my brother likes vodka and Red Bull and the hostess warned him to slow down or get out!

Casinos are pumped with oxygen to keep people gambling, and the potent mix of fresh air and free alcohol can end up costing you a lot of money. A good rule of thumb to follow in casinos is to give yourself a daily budget that cannot be exceeded. Whatever you win - spend it on something nice! I won around $400 in eleven days which paid for a couple of the best shows! 'Love', a show from Cirque du Soleil, features music and stories from the Beatles. For high-rollers, complimentary show tickets can be won or earned.  More modest gamblers can take advantage of a number of cut-price ticket stores that are completely legitimate. Never pay full price at the hotel without checking these places first!

Shows can be very expensive; the best ones can cost over $100! Many of the casinos provide free entertainment in lounges and casino stages. This can be a much cheaper way of taking in a show! A new craze in America is that of Piano Bar and 'Duelling Pianos.' This involves two pianists playing requests to order on a competitive basis. You simply fill in a request slip and slip the pianist a couple of bucks; they'll play your song. During our time there we only had one song refused as the pianist had never heard of the Killers! Ironic, considering they're from Vegas!

Remember, Vegas can be all things to all men. It is within the reach of most holiday budgets as long as you remember to budget accordingly. Don't forget that during summer months it is one of the hottest places on earth so even short walks can cause exhaustion! Drink plenty of water through the day and limit alcohol to the evenings!

Bon Voyage and please post your vacation comments here!!

Gambling is the Pastime of the Devil!

I remember one evening when my brother and I decided to go to the club in the hotel. We were staying at the Imperial Palace so our hopes for this club were limited. I was buzzing after a video poker royal flush and wanted to waste some of my money on cheap drink and dirty women; or was it cheap women and dirty drink? Anyway, after several hours of drinking and being told to go away by questionable women we decided to crank it up a bit and return to the casino. Now, one big word of advice about vegas is - by all means - drink.  Yes, have the odd flutter in the casino; but never drink and gamble at the same time!. Now blinded with drink and full of bravado I take on the roulette table. I've seen loads of James Bond movies and the ladies love a handsome, successful guy winning a lot of money.

First bet: $50 red

Result: Black

Second bet $100 red

Result: Black

This roulette table is making an idiot out of me in front of all my admirers! How dare it! And I'm sure I just saw the croupier laugh at me! I go again.

Third bet $100 even

Result: Odd

Shit

Fourth bet $everything in my wallet on odd

Result: Even

Now I remember very little as I was very drunk but I vaguely recall crying and causing a scene. Not very Bond like, I know!

The moral of the story is don't drink when you gamble - it's very expensive!

I'm Back!

Hi,

I thought I'd rekindle my passion for blogging and get back in the saddle - or on the horse!  I'm a full-time copywriter now and I'm loving every minute of it.  I've had to completely 'unlearn' what I thought was the correct use of grammar and punctuation and spend a lot of time relearning it.  As a result, I'm still completely hopeless and can't decide when a sentence requires a joining comma and when it doesn't!  I've also been told I'm not allowed to use contractions - whoops...or ellipses...bugger (and I'm definitely not allowed to use parentheses)

That previous paragraph looks like a right old mess!  I said I was a copywriter; I never said I was any good at it!

Man Flu

Well it's been a few days since my last post and that's because I've been struck down by flu.  When I say flu I don't just mean a nasty cold, I mean head banging, blood chilling, death defying flu!  The type of flu where every time you move your arm, your head hurts.  The type of flu where every time you cough, you try not to shit yourself.  The type of flu where your legs wobble as you walk to the bathroom.  I believe the medical term for this affliction is 'man-flu.'

I began feeling ill on new years eve and decided to spend the whole day in bed.  Now I think this may have been my first mistake.  Lying under a very thick duvet in a heated 21st century home may not be the best cure for the onset of influenza.  I immediately informed my partner that I should be checked on at one hour intervals during the day and every visit should include the arrival of a drink.  Alternate cold and hot drinks to be precise as I'm not sure which is advisable for my man flu.  Children are banned from the bedroom as my box set of Dallas: The Complete First & Second Seasons is watched in it's 24 hour entirity.

I have a dazzling array of medication at my bedside which includes many different type of throat lozenge and painkiller.  Painkillers for my throat and for my generalised aches and my ears and my head.  It's now New Years Day or what I like to call my birthday.  My man flu induced fever is now.....at fever pitch and I'm beginning to forget when I took my last round of meds!  When did I have my last Ibuprofen?  When did I take my last course of Paracetamol?  Can I mix throat lozenges with painkillers?  What is the thick red stuff in the bottle my wife gave me yesterday?  My head is spinning with thoughts of overdoses and a New Year's Eve party I couldn't go to.

Having man flu allows you, legally, to have your partner bring you soup on a tray.  I don't know why flus and colds require a daily dosage of soup but it's usually the only time I ever eat soup - or do you drink soup?  Anyway, I await my medicinal soup with anticipation as by the 2nd of January it is the highlight of my day.   Red Pepper and Cheddar....yum, although my man flu precludes me from tasting it!  I know it is doing me good however as soup is always good for man flu!

I argue with my partner during day three of my affliction as she takes exception to me flooding the bed with my perspiration.  It's ok for her.  She'll never experience the agony and torment of man flu and is oblivious to my suffering.  To assuage her guilt, different varieties of soup are offered and accepted.  Brocolli and Stilton no less!  My soup diet will probably have some strange colonic effects in the coming days I'm sure!  My sleep is now severely affected as when my sore throat subsides, I feel the pain in my ears more.  When the pain in my ears subside, I feel the bulging weight of my sinuses more.  More soup, my dear, more soup!

Day four and I venture into the family living space for the first time.  Kids still off school and still interested in Christmas presents combine to make a very noisy living room.  This noice is amplified by the pain in my head, ears, throat and sinuses and my visit to the family space is short lived.  It's back to the bedroom for more soup and  Two and a Half Men: The Complete First Season boxset.

How lucky all you women are that you will never experience the horrors of man flu.  I sit here writing this post with the remnants of severe throat, ear, head and sinus pain reminding me that I should definitely be off work again tomorrow!  Ha, I scoff at you ladies with your period pains and your child birth.  You girls don't know how lucky you are!

Santa Cometh

Having young children really adds an extra dimension to Christmas and without them, I would probably despise the festive season.  Unwanted gifts, family truces, false smiles and desperately trying to enjoy JC's birthday combine to make the month of December probably the most stressful month of the year.  The only miracle I encountered this year was getting a parking space at the shopping mall on Boxing Day!  Children give you at least a little magic on Christmas morning, if for only a few brief moments.

Now I don't know about you lot, but I have a very well rehearsed routine on Christmas morning which has been passed down through generations of my family.  The day begins at around 4.30 am.  Three children of differing shapes and sizes decide that Christmas should be celebrated by dancing on the heads of their parents as they sleep.  After ten minutes of domestic brutality, I stumble out of my bed after a full and refreshing 3 hours sleep and stumble around the bedroom, hopping as I put my wife's socks on.  I then toy with the emotions of the three excitable kids jumping for joy at the top stairs by declaring I feel like a shower and the unwrapping of gifts will be delayed by 30 minutes.  The first time I tried this with my kids, they pleaded, punched and kicked, demonstrating their extreme displeasure at my sudden need for hygiene.  After four years of this however, they have gotten wise and laugh at my attempts to wind them up - this will not deter me in future years!

Three kids sit on the stairs as I make my way down to the lounge and peek through the half opened door to check if "he's been."   Who is "he" you might ask....Santa of course!  I carefully scan the room, turn to the kids, pause then calmly and succinctly declare, "he's been!"  All niceties and festive protocol are then forgotten as three borderline angry kids charge down the stairs, push me to one side and begin ripping into a mountain of gifts. 

Shrieks of joy fill the crisp Christmas morn....

"XBox Kinect!" 

"Yes!"

"Harry Potter Lego!"

"Yes!"

"Season 1 of Glee!"

"Yes, yes, yes!"

Discarded gift wrap now begins to swamp the whole house and the rate of gift opening increases as my three children begin to fit with excitement.  The odd jealous glance at siblings' gifts ensues as the three gift mountains begin to diminish.  My wife and I look on nervously as each child begins to count gifts opened and gifts remaining.  Will there be a confrontation?  Should we have bought Elliot that Harry Potter lego and not Hollie? 

Gifts unwrapped, kids happy, parents exhausted and still it's dark.  I cast a triumphant glance at my wife and congratulate myself on another successful visit from Santa Claus.  My eldest son, carrying his new remote control red Ferrari with working headlights, then asks me the fateful question....

"Are there any batteries?"

Shit!

Getting Older

There is something about being in your thirties that people of all other age groups don't connect with.  When you're mid thirties, you are young enough to remember being young whilst not being old enough to realise that you are out of the young person loop.  It is a very humiliating age, an age where you are not young, not middle aged and not old.  Us thirtysomethings make fools out of ourselves with the opposite sex, embarrass our children and experiment with fashion.  Unfortunately I tend to do all three!

I recently went on a lads night out.  This was agreed by the aforementioned lads to be a vodka soaked, beer swigging, breast fondling, police evading monster of a night where we would act like savages and quench our thirst for the old days.  Now to any of the age groups I mentioned earlier(and that is basically every age group other than our own), this would have been the saddest, most pathetic bunch of middle class, nearly middle aged manboys on the face of this rock.  We, however, knew we were insanely attractive to the opposite sex and terrifying to potential love rivals!

Towards the end of the night, I experienced a life changing moment - a moment I wanted to put into verse.




It's good to arrive, now im thirty five,
At places of lust, cologne is a must.
A flick of the brow, I point to the ceiling
A deafening crack and I lose all feeling.

To bury my shame, to prove I'm not lame,
I crawl to the bar, it's just so damn far.
A climb on a stool, I order a beer,
My audience laughs and give out a cheer.

A drink drank with haste, a horrible taste,
I look like a lout, I might just pass out.
The time is upon me, the exit is clear,
But maybe there's time for just one more beer.

My brain is now lazy, my eyes seem so hazy,
When out of the night, appears such a sight.
A sexy young woman, gives me the eye,
My luck may be changing, I straighten my tie.

A furtive side glance, I'm now in a trance,
I shuffle close by and give it a try.
She takes just one look, moves where she sits,
"I'm sorry old man, I don't like your tits!"

Christmas Gifts

Something happened at work today and I thought I would jump on a steal some clandestine time on my blog to tell all.

A lot is said about Christmas and it's worsening commercialisation - for any Americans reading, that's how it's spelt in English English!  The shops stock a vast array of Christmas banality and tat from mid October and there seems to be a zombie like operation in every town and city to 'get the shopping done.'  Now to me, this seems like a ridiculous paradox.  The whole point of buying a gift is that it shows someone you have spared a thought for them and taken time out of your busy schedule to select a present that will touch that person and make them feel loved.  My experience paints a completely different picture of the 'intimate' relationship between a gift and it's purchaser.  The vast majority of people treat the buying of gifts as a duty and a task that must be gotten out of the way. 

I'm a catering manager and decided to purchase my supervisors a nice bottle of wine each.  Great care was taken to discover what their preferred colour, brand, grape was.  I'm a beer drinker so I need a lot of guidance!  Now it just so happened that one bottle cost me £6 and the other cost me £20.  I bought nice gift wrap, carefully selected greetings cards and even included a small personal verse to thank them for the work they have done over the past year.  We gather for drinks, maybe the odd mince pie or three and I proudly bestow my gifts on my trusty subordinates.  After genuine shrieks of approval and surprise, the bottles of vino were freed from their gift wrap prisons and observed.  They were observed by one person a little more studiously than the other.  After some serious observation, one of my colleagues observed that her bottle of wine was considerably cheaper than that of her peer.  This observation was shared with the group in a very matter of fact way and we hurried to finish our coffees and escape the tension.  Some observations should be kept to one's self!

This really upset me as I had spent a reasonable amount of time researching wines and getting what I thought to be the correct one.  Next year, they'll get a kiss and my best wishes!